Perspective From a Recovered Victimist

Posted on June 15, 2020 by Joel Smith

A Fallen World:

Evil lurks in all corners of the globe and expresses itself in many ways. Wars, terrorism, domestic violence, sexual assault, racial injustice, and other hate crimes seem to fill the front-page day after day.

While suffering is inevitable, we do not have to allow past sufferings to keep us in bondage. Life is too short to allow hardships to define us or keep us from growing into what we were made to become.

I do not write this to minimize anyone’s hardships or to suggest that the journey to overcome is a simple one. Rather I write this to help bring understanding on how we may be able to disassemble one of the most powerful strongholds in our world, the metal roadblock that keeps so many people in bondage.

Overcomers:

As a business owner, and leadership coach with a primary responsibility of helping individuals grow into what they were meant to be, I have had the privileged of sitting across the table from hundreds of individuals over the years. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to help someone get past their personal roadblocks and discover their purpose in this world.

Over the years I have noticed some distinct common threads that nearly all the most successful people in history possess. The greatest characteristic is that they are overcomers. They all faced many obstacles such as oppression, physical disadvantages, economical disadvantages, and competitive opposition, but somehow pushed through to acquire the place they seemed to be destined to reach.

While there are external forces all around us that wage war against our personal success, I have found that the obstacles we glorify in our heads present the greatest obstacles. The limitations we allow to exist in our own thoughts far outweighs the external circumstances we must overcome. The reason they are so hard to overcome is because we think these ideas are supposed to help us. They have an appearance of wisdom but have an inverse consequence that keeps us in emotional bondage. We push these buttons harder and more often, and it seems things only get worse. Much like struggling to free yourself from quicksand.

Victimism:

I believe that the greatest roadblock for many in this generation is a victim mentality. I will use the term “Victimism” to describe this state of mind. A person who embraces victim mentality would be a victimist. To be clear, there is a difference between a victim and a victimist. We are all victims of circumstances and evil behavior pointed toward us at times in our lives. Some far more than others. Victimists embrace a victim mentality as a defense mechenism. Not all victims are victimists, many are overcomers. Not all victimists are victims, they tend to play the part for personal gain (as I did). Many victims use their experience to become victimists. Victimism comes natural to most people. It is also taught and encouraged by other vicitmists.

The Urban Dictionary says:

“Victimism can similarly be defined as a kind of philosophy whereby one chooses to perpetually see one’s self as a victim of some sort for the purpose of accruing sympathy and empathy. The ultimate purpose of victimism is simply to attain social power, influence, and status by exploiting the well-meaning sympathies and good intentions of the general populace for its social/political support. If one “plays the victim” one can gain power and influence by exploiting the sympathies of the masses.”

Successful people encounter hardship just like everyone else. Sometimes the hardships make them even stronger. Individuals that have been protected from hardship are ill-equipped for success and find they have not been prepared to go the extra mile. It takes a measure of persistent struggle to develop a finely tuned agent of victory. The greater the obstacle, the greater the achievement.

Michael Jordan has a ferocious personality that is bent towards overcoming. The more you tell him he cannot do, the more determined he is to prove you wrong. There is no victimism in his head. This persistent mindset is common amongst high performing athletes, leaders and top-level performers in any field.

Responibility and Victimism:

Make no mistakes, victimism is not a responsible position to embrace. It is what happens when people run from responsibility. It fills the gap left behind. Victimism gives you the excuse for why you have not reached a higher level of success. It allows you to be blameless in your quest for justification. Victimism focuses on the outward circumstances as the determining factor or blame for your own inadiquate status.

I believe victimism is the mindset that keeps people stuck far more than their external circumstances. It is the mindset that keeps us in bondage.

Overcomers will always tell you that they are NOT a victim. They will go to great lengths to make sure they are not perceived as such. They understand that overcoming and victimism are in direct opposition to one other. Once they experience the freedom of escaping victimism, their eyes are opened and they are able to see their lives and future with more clarity and certainty. You may be a victim in your mind, but you don’t have to stay that way. You cannot simultaneously be both a victimist and an overcomer. One requires a fixed mindset, the other a growth mindset.

Principles of an Overcomer:

People who overcome victimism have several mental principles that they have discovered and adopted as their personal mantras for success:

Overcomers take 100% responsibility for their lives. They understand that what they achieve is going to depend on their desire to overcome rather than helplessness that comes from obstacles placed in their path by other people.
Overcomers have a “No Excuses” mindset. They do not push responsibility onto others as they once did when they were a victimist. They own up to mistakes, make amends and pay restitution when appropriate. They are quick to apologize and slow to point fingers or place blame on others.
Overcomers are problem solvers – They look forward and focus on solutions, not backwards toward blame. They are looking for resolution, not justification or blamelessness.
Overcomers believe that “No one owes me anything”. They are not entitled and do not believe their success depends on anyone else.
Overcomers have Appreciation – They appreciate everything they have been given and don’t dwell on whay they have not.
Overcomers don’t feel sorry for themselves. They don’t embrace self-pity or try to gain sympathy from others. Because of this, they have a stronger self-image.
Overcomers are not quitters. They do not focus on the suffering. They focus on the outcome that comes through personal perseverance. They expect pain. It is the cost of success, always.
Overcomers don’t have a need to embellish the truth to change people’s perceptions. They thrive on exposing the truth rather than manipulating it for personal gain.
Overcomers want to help other people to face their own victimism so they can overcome as well. They have discovered something great and want to share it with the world.
Overcomers do not surround themselves with victimists. They surround themselves with overcomers.

I’ve Been There:

In full transparency, I was a victimist for nearly half of my life. During that time, I didn’t even know that I was. It was like I had a vail over my eyes. Victimism has been in my family all of my life and I was systematically trained up with this mindset. I didn’t know any other way. I learned that emotional manipulation as the ultimate survival technique.

As a young adult, I had been hurt and was angry at my parents, and most everyone. Due to a divorce, my mother, younger brother and sister were struggling just like me and I was angry that my siblings were put in this situation at such a young age. Our world had been turned upside down. It seemed like everyone had abandoned us, either physically or emotionally. It felt like that, because I was a victimist. Reality was a bit different, less dramatic. My mind puffed up my plight.

I was a victim in a minor sense, but then I quickly became a victimist. It was easier than growing up and facing responsibility for my own life. It was easy to make someone else responsible for who I have become. I embraced it and used it as my shield. It was my mask that kept everyone else from seeing my scars and my ugly wounded heart. With my mask, I didn’t have to grow up. It gave me a free pass by lowering everyone’s expectation of me, including my own. In my mind, I wasn’t to blame for my failures. Victimism didn’t expect anything from me, nor did I.

The Hope:

But, there is hope. Through a time of self-discovery I became face to face with the truth about myself. At 23 years old, I was about to take responsibility for my life for the first time EVER…

To hear the rest of this story please contact me and I would be glad to share how I overcame victimism. joelsmith123@yahoo.com

It’s Your Choice, But Not Your Rules

Posted on June 8, 2020 by Joel Smith

Christians, how often do you hear the term “God is on our side” ? As if God is watching over us protecting us on our individual journeys.

I am running into more and more churchgoers who identify as Christians that believe we all have an internal moral compass that we should follow. That if we stay true to this compass, God will bless us. I have heard it described as “staying true to myself”, “being at peace with myself”, or even “following my heart”.

I’m not sure that reflects a biblical worldview.

The Bible says “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” Mat 7:21. This implies that rather than seeking for God to be on our side, maybe we should get on God’s side.

Now I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with “staying true to myself”, “being at peace with myself”, or even “following my heart”, however if my internal moral compass is driving or justifying my behavior or ethical positions, I am missing the boat. I am putting myself on the throne.

Our internal moral compass is subjective towards our own personal bias. By nature we are under a curse that leads us to put our selfish needs before others. When everyone’s internal moral compass is conflicting with everyone else is internal compass, chaos ensues.

In the spirit of President Kennedy’s inaugural address, we should ask not what our God can do for us, but what we can do for our God. There’s a word for when we use God as a crutch for self-serving purposes. Religion.

Behaviors that are just and right are not for us to DETERMINE within ourselves, but to DISCOVER outside of ourselves. Just as there is a set of natural universal laws that govern our physical universe, there are also universal laws that govern how we should behave towards one another.

God put you on Earth for a reason, for a purpose. He has given us our identity in his kingdom. We have the choice hold on to our own self-directed identity, justifying ourself buy our own measuring stick, or we can surrender to the creator of our universe. It’s your choice, but not your rules.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. Like 9:23-24.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

Posted on June 6, 2020 by Joel Smith

Truth Matters:

“If a ruler listens to falsehood, all his officials will be wicked.” Prov 29:12

And expanded and more modern context may be:

“If a leader buys into biased, inaccurate or exaggerated information, their followers will be misinformed, causing them and others to stumble.”

Spreading falsehood is a big problem in our world. But possibly a bigger problem is when we believe it. We do not have to believe falsehood. We can anchor ourselves to truth.

We all very in our level of maturity and intuitiveness when it comes to our vulnerability to be convinced of something that is not true. Some are very naive, and some have very well-developed B.S. filters. I encourage you to humbly consider where you might stand on this spectrum.

“Spreading falsehood is a big problem in our world. But possibly a bigger problem is when we believe it”

Wired to be fooled:
We want so badly to believe the things that line up with how we are wired, or what we have experienced. We tend to ignore information that does not line up with our preconceived notions. In short, we want to believe lies that seem to benefit us. It’s part of our sinful nature.

We have seen small groups, big groups, organizations, churches, countries and civilizations become duped by false information and bad ideas. Ideas have consequences.

Our blind spots keep us from discerning perception from reality. Perception is not always reality. Only when you see the actual truth.

There are a couple of natural laws I wish to discuss:

1. The Law of Overcompensation.

This law says basically, when we don’t see the truth of the matter as it really is and allow ourselves to believe an embellished, exaggerated or emotionally charged version of it, the output will be at least as wrong as the input. This causes the problem to continue, and oftentimes to become exacerbated.

Some examples of this in our society are:

Fight or Flight,
Heroes and Villains
Any form of stereotypes
Dramatizing for effect
Always and Never
Emotional manipulation
Narcissistic mentality
Victim mentality
Just follow your heart
Justice at all cost
Compassion at all cost
Racial prejudice (don’t hate me)

2. The Law of Opposing Forces (also Newton’s 3rd)

Like a pendulum that swings back and forth, this law says that opposing forces will always provide resistance leading back towards the norm, or middle ground(true center). One action tends to counter or compensate for another.

Some examples of this in our culture are:

The law of probabilities,
The law of supply and demand,
Checks and balances,
Liberal vs. Conservative
Justice vs. Compassion
The devil’s advocate
An eye for an eye
The plight of the underdog
Truth and consequences
Cause and effect
Sowing and reaping
And of course, Bumper bowling

The first law pushes perception away from centralized truth, like a pendulum being pushed further away from dead center. The second law moves to correct the imbalance.

We Think More is Better:

Unfortunately, many people use the first law to overcompensate for someone’s grenade, by throwing two back at them. Somehow, we think we are going to stop the pendulum from swinging with our extreme or exaggerated counterbalance. That is not how it works. It perpetuates the problem.

I can just see a small child in a swing being pushed from both sides. Parents competing to push harder. How will it ever come to a halt?

I believe that the Bible has a different perspective. Rather than addressing one untruth with a countering untruth, we need to seek Truth in two ways. Biblical truth as well as reality, the way things really are apart from your perception.

Not an untruth that we can use for a personal gain.
Not an untruth that will justify our actions.
Not an untruth that will make us feel better.
Not an untruth that will exonerate us.
Not an untruth that will remove our guilt.
Not an untruth that will give us an appearance of righteousness.
Not an untruth that will validate or affirm us.
Not an untruth that will validate or affirm other people. Not any untruth.

Sometimes our sinful nature can drive us to do things that we feel are so right and necessary. Emotions can be the biggest deceiver especially when we just follow our heart. Our emotions can tell us what is right is wrong, and what is wrong is right. Emotions can be anchored to truth, but also can be anchored to sin. It is up to you.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 8:32

As Americans and especially believers in Jesus Christ, we need to be seekers of the truth. We need to be able to look at the details and unbiased facts of the situation the best that we can. We need to be willing to recognize and remove our blind spots that keep us from being aware of the bigger picture.

My challenge is to all church leaders out there. People are watching you and trusting that you are opinion is more accurate and trustworthy than their own.

Seek justice, seek compassion, but more than anything, seek truth. Be anchored in the Word that is truth.

The Dangers of Following the Crowd

Posted on November 20, 2018 by Joel Smith

Most of us have heard our parents say “If all your friends jumped off a bridge, does that mean that you would too?” My answer was, “Well if the bridge is narrow and there was a speeding car coming at us, then yes!”

The truth is that there are times when following the crowd can be safe, secure and justified. Following the crowd can also give us a false sense of security. It can make us numb to the dangers that may be down the road. We have this delusion that the masses can’t be all wrong, and even if they are, at least I will be in the company of others like me.

Billy Joel wrote “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun. You know that only the good die young.”

As we look back over the history of life on this planet, we see many patterns of individuals following the crowd. We see this in every war, every election and every cultural trend. It happens in the media, in the supermarkets and in every religion in the world. Sometimes crowds don’t even need a leader to take them there. In unison we take the route of least resistance, whatever feels good at the time or meets an immediate need. Billy Joel gave us a classic example of the blind leading the blind.

There is a branch of social psychology that studies crowd behavior. They look at the behavior of both individual members of the crowd, as well as the crowd as a whole. They have discovered a correlation between crowd behavior and responsibility of the individuals.

Individuals that take full responsibility are much more likely to move away from the crowd. They choose their own results independent of popular opinion. Those who avoid responsibility find comfort and stimulation from groups of likeminded people. Social acceptance makes it easier to justify their thoughts or behavior. Confirmation bias fuels the illusion and perpetuates the feelings that encourage their position. It’s is not hard to influence someone to do what their nature already wants to do.

The emotions of a crowd headed down a path that aligns with their desires can be appealing. These feelings can grow as the group grows, leading to a movement. This is where the danger of following the crowd begins

Every destructive influence has a touch of appeal that tantalizes our senses. It is just enough to get us interested. Every world religion, political view or philosophy of life can tempt our allegiance. It can be difficult to identify where we fail to line up with reality. It’s amazing how individuals can feel so strongly about popular ideas they know little about.

There is a basic human need to align ourselves with the crowd. We all have the need for acceptance and to find significance in what we do. We have a desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. The problem is we can tend to be short sighted and seek to have these needs met at the cost of a much bigger picture. We all do this to some extent. Some people are people pleasers seeking affirmation. Some are black and white thinkers in need of certainty. Others are running away from responsibility looking for relief. Either way we find comfort in numbers.

There is a great quote from my favorite book.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Mat 7:13-14

Travelling the “broad road” is quite easy to do. It is by far the most popular route. It assures you of your freedom to be in control of your own destination and requires no commitment. It give the appearance of a much easier route than the option of the narrow gate. There is no sign at the beginning of the road that says “Road to Destruction”. If there were, it would lose some of its appeal. “Broad Road” is much more soothing to the eye and non-offensive.

On the “broad road”, there is no disclaimer, only the promise of not being alone or accountable. There is no promise of any specific destination, nor is there even a map to how you may get there.

Lewis Carroll summed this up well in Alice in Wonderland:

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?

The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

Alice: I don’t much care where.

The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.

Alice: …So long as I get somewhere.

The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

So why do only a few find their way through the narrow gate? …I would say it is because so few are even looking for it. The majority of people are not looking, or willing to take the road less traveled that leads to a full life. Some believe they are taking the narrow gate, only to find out they have been on the same broad path as everyone else. Taking the narrow gate has an immediate admission price that most are not willing to pay.

If you want to know where your path is taking you, just take an honest look at where you have been, and where you are now. If the trajectory doesn’t seem to be travelling in a favorable direction, you may be on the “broad road”.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” Lao Tzu

If you want to know what path you are on, just look around you. Are you surrounded by people that lift you up and contribute to your well-being? Do you find significance in your hard work and feel great about your impact on others around you? If so, you are likely on the narrow path or at least headed that direction.

You are the sum total of the people that you are closest to. If your assessment of your inner circle doesn’t pass the sniff test. You may need to change to a new path that includes others who are experiencing life to its fullest. The good news is that there are many, you only need to join their path.

If you think your current life is a result of exterior circumstances out of your control or bad luck, you are on the “broad path”. This is the signature belief of the broad-pathalogians. If you don’t know how you ended up on this path, don’t blame the path or crowd. You went along with them. Even if you stayed on your default path, you could have chosen a different one. Others can choose a different path for you, but they can’t make you take it.

You always have a choice, and that choice is 100% your responsibility to make. No one will ever grab you, kicking and screaming, and force you to enter through the narrow gate. We all get to freely choose our own path. Choose wisely.

If you are struggling with your direction personally or professionally, please contact me. I would love to have a cup of coffee with you.

The 5 Levels of Irresponsibility

Posted on September 26, 2017 by Joel Smith

The 5 Levels of Irresponsibility (a step by step guide on how to be a Turkey at work)

Level 1 – Begin to understand only what you need to know to get by.

Figure out how to do things just well enough that others won’t notice your shortcuts.
Just do what everyone else is doing, don’t make waves.
If you’re not sure, just do what makes sense to you.

Level 2 – Make sure no one can point a finger at you, cover your tracks.

Sometimes this means twisting the truth a little or claiming ignorance “I didn’t know…”
Protect your appearance of importance at all cost; don’t take the blame for anything…ever!
“Look, if you want more out of me, you will need to pay me more”
Don’t let anyone else get more favor from the boss than you. That’s your territory, protect it at all cost.

Level 3 – Make sure everyone else is being responsible so they don’t cause you more work.

Don’t do any more than what the others are doing. It’s not fair that I do more than them!
As long as you aren’t any worse than everyone else, you can claim that you are just doing what they do.
“It’s not my fault that he did what he saw me do, I didn’t make him do it”

Level 4 – Make sure others fully understand the chain of command.

Entitlement – “I am the boss, it’s my way or the highway!” or “Do you see my badge? What does it say?”
Representation – “My boss doesn’t get it! I’m not doing all that extra stuff; I will do it my way!”
Tolerance – Let them keep getting away with crap, so you don’t have to confront them. Confrontation is never good; don’t want to upset the apple cart.
Servanthood – Make sure you are in control and well served. You deserve to reap. the rewards for making it to the top. “It’s good to be the king!”
Delegation – Get others to do the stuff you don’t want to do. You have power now so use it!

Level 5 – Takes credit for the success, but certainly not for failure of a group or organization.

Commitment – “I will do this as long as it doesn’t impede on my personal life or get too hard.”
Leverage – Hire only when in serious need, try not to lose anyone or you will then have to start interviewing again.
Fortitude – “If it gets too hard, I can always move on and get another job: The grass is always greener.
Accountability – “I just don’t want to be blamed for anything. I don’t know if my self esteem can handle that”
Stand your Grownd – “I am not changing for anyone!” “This is how I have always done it and how I want’ to do it”
Validation – “Look what I did!”

Great leadership is contagious! Unfortunately, so is bad leadership.

When I was a child…

Posted on September 8, 2017 by Joel Smith

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” 1Co 13:11

Have you ever met anyone that is a full fledged grown up in age, but has not been able to put ways of childhood behind them, someone stuck in time, paralyzed, lost in the world? Of course you have. They are everywhere. If you haven’t, you likely are that person. I was.

I remember when I became a man. It wasn’t when I turned 18. It wasn’t when I moved out, or paid rent on my own for the first time. It wasn’t even when I got my first real job, or had my first long term relationship.

When I was 23 years old I remember how I viewed the world in great detail. I had been burned, had a serious attitude toward life and justified it vigorously.

There were three principles that were most important to me.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die. Take what you can get.
You can only really trust yourself, everyone else will always let you down.
It’s my life, I will live it how I want! Get off my back!

These three principles became my hiding place in my early adulthood. They gave me direction (pleasure seeking), protected me from harm (other people) and made me the king of my world (It’s all about Me). I was a pretty good thinker so I was able to stave off any threat that came along with my witt and ability to argue. My guards were up and I was a self-preservation machine. My artistic and deceptive skills allowed me to create a ficade of my life. I wore whatever mask I needed at the time, and became what I needed, to get what I wanted. Reality was something to mold, twist and make a slave out of. Perception was reality, and deception was the way to change reality.

The Crash

And then it all caught up to me at once. My world came crashing down in a pile of rubble. Like waking up from a dream or experiencing sight for the first time, I realized that the earth didn’t really revolve around me. It was the greatest most painful loss, and at the same time the biggest sense of relief.

I took a long hard honest look at my life for the first time ever. I was ambarrassed and ashamed of the blindspots that everyone else already knew. I seemed I was the last to find out. I had been exposed.

I took a long look at myself, and here is what I discovered. My worldview was all wrong. Here are some of the the values I had come to embrace throughout my life:

I must let nothing be my fault as to remain blameless.
I must allow myself a way out of any situation in case it gets difficult (avoid commitment).
I must hold everyone accountable for how they have hurt me.
I must be in control of the situation, and not be controlled by the situation or anyone.
I must convince everyone of my impressiveness so they will respect me.
I must hide my flaws so no one can criticize or look down on me.
I must expect grace for my actions, and justice for everyone elses.
I must not think about my problems or acknowledge they exist so I don’t have to deal with them.

I realized that I was eating and drinking and being marry to avoid committing to anything. Committment requires trust. I didn’t trust anyone, because that would mean I needed to be a person that could be trusted. I was living life how I wanted because I didn’t want to be held accountable. I was avoiding responsibility in most every way.

I realized that the worldview that I had embraced, that I thought was serving me, was actually waging war against my soul. It became clear to me that seeking to serve my own needs left all my needs unmet.

It was that day that I decided I was going to put the ways of childhood behind me. I was about to begin a brand new life of adulthood.

Because Jesus Christ took 100% responsibility for my sin, I was able to became 100% responsible for my life. Not only my actions and bahavior, but also my thoughts and emotions. No longer was I going to allow my circumstances to control my thoughts and keep me in emotional imaturity. For the first time it wasn’t about self-preservation, pride or impressiveness.

I discovered a different set of principles to live by:

I must make no excuses for my actions, thoughts and sins.
I must embrace reality (truth) and live by it, rather than distorting it.
I must committ myself fully to people and responsibilities given to me.
I must forgive everyone who hurt me and expect nothing in return.
I must be transparent and humble. For when I am weak, I am strong.
I must be responsible for only what I can control, and patient with what I cannot control.
I must earn respect through putting others needs before my own.
I must expose my sin, purge it from my life and experience freedom.
I must live fully accountable for my actions.
I must face my fears and perservere through the obsticles holding me back.
I must surrender in order to have victory.

I still fall short, but now I am more aware and have a savior to vouch for me.

Give me a call, let’s chat. 319.930.1045

Are you Awareness driven, or Focus driven?

Posted on July 19, 2017 by Joel Smith

It’s important that we don’t get so caught up in where we are going that we forget where we are. It is equally important that we don’t get caught up in where we are that we forget about where we are going.

Are you Awareness driven, or Focus driven?

Sometimes we think of awareness and focus as being very similar. In fact they are opposites, and both are necessary. One is centralized or concentrated, the other outwardly distributed.

Awareness and focus are both important factors in our success. It would be great if we all had a natural balance of the two, but we don’t. That puts us at odds with each other, or does it?

The Brain

The human brain is an incredible creation, but one thing it doesn’t do so well is see the big picture and see the details at the same time. We all have a tendency toward one, or the other, but not both. The eye can only focus on one thing at a time. It can roam around taking smaller snapshots of information from all over, in a broad sense, or it can stay focused in the same area to get a deeper understanding of what it is looking at.

People tend to see life that way too, but we also learn to grow, socialize and communicate similarly. Driven people are always seeking to expand our awareness of what is around us, or deepen our understanding of what is in front of us. Awareness driven people like to take complex ideas and simplify them to help ‘the many’ gain awareness and understanding. Focused driven people like to add more details for a deeper level of understanding for ‘the few’ to gleem insight.

We all do both at times, but lean one way most of the time. Some people become a jack of all trades and master of none, yet others may be able to play Mozart, but struggle to tie their shoes.

Puzzles

Imagine a scenario where two individuals were asked to put ten puzzles together, and they only have one hour to finish. These puzzles are not extremely difficult but not likely to be completed on time and accurate in a single hour by the average person.

An awareness driven person may approach this task in a much different manner than a focus driven person. He would look at the task; determine that finishing the project is the most important desired result. After all they were given an hour TO FINISH! He quickly figures out that there is 60 minutes to work with, ten puzzles so that gives him approximately six minutes for each puzzle. After 60 minutes or so he has all ten mostly completed but none of them fully completed. He walks away fairly satisfied knowing that all ten puzzles look pretty good. He can still recognize the intended pictures from the boxes even though there are several gaps. “Git r done!”

The focus driven person takes a different approach. She takes a good look at the picture on the box of the first puzzle to know what the outcome needs to look like. She begins putting the puzzle together making sure she uses the pattern of corners first, edges second and then looks for identifiable patterns. She carefully searches for the right piece, finds it then puts it in its rightful place. With 20 minutes left, anxiety increases, she picks up her pace and pushes through completing 3 more puzzles before she runs out of time. She looks at her six completed puzzles and is quite pleased. She got six out of ten puzzles fully completed exactly as the boxes suggest. “If you are not going to do it right, don’t do it at all”, she thinks.

Opposing Perspectives

What if each of their work is shown to the other to observe and comment on? You can guess the criticism that may come from those evaluations as they view each other’s work from a different lens. “You didn’t even start four of them!”, “Well you didn’t finish any of them!”

In the leadership world we find these seemingly opposing perspectives play out all the time. Some people value efficiency; some are high on details and accuracy. Some find satisfaction in covering more ground and others by covering better ground. Some put a high value on time or relationships. Others put a higher value on money or influence, while yet others seek excellence or strategy.

Humility

We can cause a disconnect when we fail to appreciate other people’s perspective, or if we believe that our way of thinking is more viable than others. By nature we all tend to think this way sometimes. It takes intentional effort, and humility to consider that others may have something specific to offer that we don’t. It also takes humility to accept that our perspective may be inferior compared to another.

“It takes intentional effort, and humility to consider that others may have something to offer that we don’t. It also takes humility to accept that our perspective may be inferior compared to another.”

One Body with Many Members

1Co 12:14-18 NIV Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

When we choose to see awareness and focus not just as opposing views, but also as complimentary views, we may learn that we actually CANNOT get along WITHOUT each other. We complete each other. Unless we come to this awareness we will never understand the importance of interdependence and the beauty of productive, relational and spiritual harmony, as God intended it to be.

Are You Struggling at Work?

Posted on April 27, 2017 by Joel Smith

Emotional Distress in the Workplace

Have you ever found yourself stuck in your job feeling like you have come to the end of a dead-end street, or stuck on a long winding road? Have you wondered if there really is something greater around the bend that is worth striving for? One of the most common reasons that we find ourselves feeling this way is due to emotional distress.

On an upcoming Wise Work Radio program Tom Noteboom and I will be exploring the question What Keeps People from Advancing in the Workplace?

Can you relate to any of the following symptoms of emotional distress? If so, there is hope for you.

Symptoms of Emotional Distress

Anxiety or restlessness
Depression, feelings of sadness, emptiness or hopelessness
Anger, bitterness, irritability or frustration
Guilt, or feelings of worthlessness or failure
Feeling overwhelmed or lost
Loss of interest or energy
Loneliness and isolation.

When we experience physical pain in the body we naturally tend to think that something is happening to us that is un-necessary and wrong. We don’t always see value in the experience or see what may be coming next. It is easy to become distressed about our pain, but not so easy to learn from it or appreciate its value.

Guardrails

Emotional pain is much like physical pain. It points out that something is not as it should be. Emotional pain is like a guardrail that says, if you keep going this direction you are going to experience even greater pain.

Andy Stanley says “Guardrails protect us from what lurks on the other side. The danger zone… Personal guardrails are boundaries you establish on the safe side of damaging decisions that protect you from the danger ahead. They’re meant to set off warning bells over seemingly little things…little things that can lead to big, messy consequences.”

Bumping up against a guardrail is painful, but not as destructive as pushing beyond them. It should be a sign that your current path needs to change to avoid greater harm. We need to establish emotional guardrails to keep our distress from leading us into more difficult situations down the road.

Distress Affects Others

If you are struggling with emotional distress in your place of work, others around you likely notice your struggles. It can be very difficult to meet the challenges required to grow and advance in your career when you have internal obstacles that are working against you, and sometimes unknowingly against others. It’s even harder if you don’t want to believe your struggles are indeed internal (your own doing) and not due to your circumstances, or other people holding you back.

Emotional distress increases when responsibility is avoided. It’s your responsibility to find the solution to your distress, not your right to embrace it, or for others to be responsible for it. Face it, Embrace it, Replace it!

So, Where is the Hope?

Mat 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Come To Me…

If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, anger or guilt you know what it means to be weary and burdened. You may feel like there is no rest for your soul, like something is missing, buy you cannot quite put your finger on it.

Jesus challenges us to a call to action by telling us to “come to me, all you who are weary and burdened…”. He is not as interested in removing all your discomfort, as he is addressing the heart issue. He wants to give you what is missing so you can find a lighter burden in your work.

Take My Yoke

The second challenge that Jesus calls us to in to “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me…”. Jesus isn’t saying that if you acknowledge him he will simply take away all your burdens. He is saying if you join him on his journey, you will take on a different burden with him that will lead to restfulness.

Everyone Loves a Three-step Process…

So, what does it look like to come to Jesus and take his yoke?

Luke 9:23-24 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.”

Jesus address’s the solution to our emotional distress.

Deny yourself – Let go of any unrealistic, self-focused plans you have for yourself.
Take up your cross daily – Stop fighting the wrong battle, and join Him in the good fight.
Follow Jesus – Learn from the greatest person who ever walked this earth. The one who died for you!

Emotional distress is the natural consequence when someone walks through life with intention to “save their life”. What are you willing to lose to find it?

Principles vs. Values

Posted on April 11, 2017 by Joel Smith

The 3 Little Pigs

Remember the story of the Three Little Pigs? One built his house out of straw, one with sticks and the last with bricks. They all three had good intentions for the most part, although to varying degrees. The difference was not necessarily in their intentions, but in the foundational quality of the material. This is true not only in the material world, but also in the cognitive world. Our thoughts and what we believe to be true, will determine if our house will fall or remain standing in the face of the Big Bad Wolf. Ideas have consequences.

Principles vs. Values

What are Principles? Principles are guiding truths that apply to all people in all places over all of time. It doesn’t matter if you believe in them or not, you will trip over them if you don’t realize their existence. Principles are often very inconvenient to those who want to live life on our own terms and very convenient for those who wish to navigate per reality.

What are Values? Values are preferred beliefs that support principles. Values are subjective and do not apply to all people in all places over all time and vary from person to person or amongst cultures. Values are the methods that help you achieve a higher cause.

Example: The Principle of Generosity is true and plays out consistently over time (see list below); however different people value different methods in expressing their generosity. Some give of their money, some give of their time and effort, others encourage and support and yet others defend or protect. These are all Values that people hold that are important to them and are for supporting the Principle of Generosity.

When principles are absent, values can operate on their own (not necessarily well) without the foundational support of principles. In the absence of principles, we value whatever meets our own needs. Discovering these important principles is important to developing a foundation for future strength and significance for everyone who wishes to lead a fruitful life.

Why We Tell the Truth?

Integrity and honesty are both principles that are generally the foundation to why most honest people tell the truth. People who value integrity and honesty tend to tell the truth not only when it is convenient to them, but even when it is not convenient to them. The Principle is more important than their individual needs. They realize the long-term benefit of integrity and honesty for the benefit to others, also for their own best interests.

Telling the truth is not actually a principle, rather a value. Telling a lie, embellishing and other forms of deception are also values. If they help your cause (right or wrong) they have value (to you). They both support what is most important to you, so if you are NOT a person of Integrity and are more interested in your own wellbeing, telling the truth sometimes suits your self-interest. If this is the case, telling a carefully crafted lie may seem to suit your self-interest as well. If you do not hold the principle of respecting other people’s boundaries (property) you may hold theft as a value that you use from time to time to get what you need. Noble principles are the anchor for all noble values. Self-centerness is also the anchor for all self-serving values.

The House on the Rock

²⁴“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. ²⁶And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. ²⁷And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Mat 7:24-27 ESV

Stand For Something!:

Many people in our country fail to stand for anything significant. As generations pass fewer Americans engage in principle based thinking. We don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, or project our standard onto others in fear that we will appear intolerant or politically incorrect. Tolerance and acceptance are very noble qualities, but when taken to extremes they can cloud our perspective leading us to compromise what we all know to be true. We need to be strong and stand for proven principles even when it means causing others to stumble or discomfort for ourselves.

Many managers, leaders and parents fail to stand their ground and promote proven reality based principles. We often struggle with the confidence to stand up and express our allegiance to any higher principles, because we view principles and value the same. We see them as personal (subjective) rather than foundational (objective). In other words, we give our personal values the prestigeous title of a principle, when it is no such thing. It is just a supporting cast member at best, useful only to a bigger purpose. And without purpose, your values are useless.

The result is a culture of floating standards (values) and a crop of managers, potential leaders and parents with little feeling of authority. We often feel powerless because we have not taken ownership of foundational truths or a commitment to defend them. Even when given full authority, we fail to feel empowered due to our self-imposed limitations and fears.

Application:

Most Americans believe in principles to some degree, but too often fail to take ownership and stand up for them because they don’t believe in a true Creator.
If you have an opinion (Value) ask yourself what universal principle it is attached to. If you cannot come up with one, you may need to do some self-discovery.
When finding, ourselves fighting against life principles, we end up shipwrecked, running against the wind or trying to paddle upstream.
When we stand upon these very principles and hold onto them and live in harmony with them, we find footing and begin to stand firm on a solid foundation.

Build your house out of BRICKS!

A Few Questions About Tolerance.

Posted on December 30, 2016 by Joel Smith

The Tolerance Myth?

What is it that we should tolerate?
Should we tolerate someone else’s version of Good?
Should we tolerate someone else’s version of Good, even when we believe it to be Evil?
Who should we tolerate? Everyone?
Should we tolerate those who don’t tolerate Evil?
Should we tolerate those who DO tolerate Evil?
Should we tolerate those who don’t tolerate others?
If indeed I don’t tolerate those who don’t tolerate others, does that make me intolerant? Have I become what I despise?
If I DO tolerate those who don’t tolerate others, am I just reinforcing their intolerance by tolerating it?
If it does make me intolerant, should I expect others to tolerate me in my intolerance?
Should I even tolerate myself?

Do you see the insanity in this? Just admit it, everyone is intolerant, EVERYONE! Some just don’t like it pointed at them.

Grace trumps tolerance every time. Show grace and respect others but don’t value their opinion over truth.

Be strong and stand up for truth, don’t hide behind tolerance to avoid offending someone, or being offended.

Truth is offensive to those who don’t believe it, and loved by those who do.

Tolerance is good when it’s used as a lubricant to get along in spite of different beliefs, but it’s not to be used to make any or all beliefs equally valid. They are not, otherwise no one would ever be wrong, misunderstood, mistaken about anything.

Refuse to tolerate anything but truth, no matter what it costs you. Then have the wisdom to know when to speak and when not to.

Be patient with those with differing opinions and give grace to those who are offensive to you. If you don’t believe there is a source of universal truth, you just haven’t found it yet, or don’t want to.

Intelligent feedback only, I won’t tolerate stupidity. JK…no really, put your big boy pants on. Don’t come to this table if you can’t tolerate this message.